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|DJ Dan - Shutting Down the Man|
Announcer: Coming to you live, from the hackles on the back of your neck. You're listening to DJ Dan, shutting down the man.
DJ Dan: It's happened Tonya, I'm in love.
Tonya: Who is it this week?
DJ Dan: Nope, this one's different Tonya, this one's special. This love Tonya, it's shutting me down.
Tonya: And why is that Dan?
DJ Dan: Because it's a forbidden love.
Tonya: You're married, every love is a forbidden love.
DJ Dan: Does a priest date his parishioners?
Tonya: I hope not.
DJ Dan: Does a shepherd date his flock?
Tonya: Once again.
DJ Dan: And her name is Rachel Blake, Tonya, and she is the ultimate conspiraspy.
Tonya: How did you meet?
DJ Dan: Oh, we didn't, but we have to. If you're listening Rachel, we need to talk. So here's the deal: I'm on the web, surfing around my favorite Area 51 sites when one of my conspiraspies IM's me. Garthazoid, your shout out. So, I head to this little blog by this beautiful girl, say lower-middle 20s. Has that scrub, the movie version of your girl next door look, all smiles and eyelashes. The site talks about how she's on a post-college Eurotrip. So I'm thinking, okay: This chick is a little slice of heaven, but really, why does Garthazoid think I have to check this out? I mean, Garthazoid, you know what's going down, we're talking crop circles, we're talking Loch Ness. And if I could, just for a second, just to put this whole business to rest for you Nessy heads, it's a sound stage, you morons! Same place where they faked the Mars landings. Anyway, point is, Rachel's blog is pleasant, but I don't have the time to be finding out which Geronimo Jackson song little Suzy Corn belt is listening when she misses her mommy! But then I answer this code Garthazoid sends me and the bells and whistles go off. And Jesus, Mary, Joseph Stalin, we got ourselves a huge hunk of another ball of wax. It's a video blog. It turns out Rachel is stalking this corporate dude, and the more I watch the more I realize everything is connected, because the dude is none other than: Doctor Thomas Werner Mittelwerk. Evil name, I know, and it fits. Because if you don't know Doctor Mittelwerk: he is a perpetrator of atrocities in the name of good. Dr. Mittelwerk is president of none other than "THE HANSO FOUNDATION!!!" aka "Evil Inc.", aka "Secrets International", aka "We Do Bad Things In The Name Of Wickedness And Greed And Sell Them To The World As We're Saving The Planet Through Our Science", One Adorable Child At A Time. Cue the rainbow and fuzzy puppies. So I'm on the site and you've got to go, the footage out there is just nuts. And then I start to think. Is Rachel our girl? Is this the infamous Persephone? Hacker of the Hanso Foundation website? Could be, and then I start thinking, what is she doing? Is she like us? Is she looking for Alvar Hanso, who's been strangely missing from the world for the past four years? Is she really after Mittelwerk? Is she gonna take them all down, and she gonna take them all down to Chinatown, I mean, who knows? And then I get worried. Rachel once again if you're listening, you gotta grow a fake beard or something honey. These Hanso people, they're, anyway, conspiraspies, eyes on the prize. If Rachel Blake is willing to risk her pretty little neck lets step up and help her. Go to her site, rap with her. And if you ever happen to bump into her in the real world and she's being followed by some shady goons, do us all a favor, and drop a banana peel.
Announcer: You're listening to DJ Dan, shutting down the man.